Every now and then you get a glimpse at the bigger picture. This will be a shorter post, possibly even shorter than a mere five hundred words, though if I keep explaining just how short this post would be, not only would it be long, but you'd gouge your eyes out, and as I'm benevolent, I'd rather not have that happen. There will be a post to come (likely), and I've already started it, that will talk about the past couple weeks, but right now I need to type, and then go to sleep.

A couple weeks ago I met with Paul (not the person I aliased Paul before -- Paul is really the only name that fits this guy, so old Paul will be realiased if I again talk about him [he and I don't hang out too much anymore]) over coffee. His wife has recently been hired to be the worship leader at the church I was looking into. I call him Paul because, like Paul, he can't shut up about God. It's awesome. He's super passionate about what Jesus has done for him. He cannot move on from the enormity of being saved from Hell and someday spending eternity in Heaven in the unveiled presence of God.

Anyway, this couple of weeks ago, he had told me about how it was such a blessing he ended up with this item. It's a fairly expensive item, and not one he would have ordinarily afforded on his own, but a friend of his had a friend who was trying to sell his for like a quarter of what it would have been. Paul's friend told him about it and it was still more than Paul felt comfortable paying, so, as a surprise, his friend bought him the item and a bunch of things to go with it.

Yesterday, I met with him again. I don't remember how our conversation got there, but eventually we ended up talking about my lack of passion, which I believe is largely caused by my lack of understanding of God's grace. We got to talking about what might be getting between God and me, and I really don't know what it is, but he used his own situation as an example, saying that this item was, because he used it to bring himself glory and fulfillment, distracting him from fulfillment with God. In fact, he'd sort of set up this promise that when the item's time limit expired, he would give the item away, much like when I quit WoW, if I get bored while the subscription remains, I might still get on, but I wouldn't renew the subscription. Mid-sentence, he asks, "Why am I even going to wait that long?" and starts talking himself through his thought process. He said he didn't want to give it away, because, in all likelihood, it would encourage the same sort of consumption that consumed his life. He said he couldn't give it back to his friend, because he already has an item, and having two wouldn't be advantageous. Part of the reason he didn't want to give it away was that he didn't want to hurt his friend's feelings. I asked him if his friend was a Christian, and Paul said his friend says he is, but he doesn't know for sure, then followed it up saying his wife is a devout Christian. Paul's friend might not understand if Paul said, "Hey, this is something getting between me and God, so I need to give it back," but his friend's wife would. I suggested that even if his friend didn't understand, and did get upset, he and his wife might end up talking about it, and maybe that would push him one step closer in his relationship with God. So that's what Paul decided to do -- give it back "tomorrow" (today).

The rest of the conversation, though, was perhaps the work of Satan. I try not to attribute things to Satan for a number of reasons. One, I don't like to give him the satisfaction. Two, sometimes things just happen. Sure, if Satan hadn't caused the original sin, or any sin afterwards, perhaps bad things wouldn't happen, so really every bad thing could be blamed on him, but I think we're perfectly capable of making up our own bad things to do to people without Satan's help. Also, regarding part one, I very well could be wrong about this; denying that Satan is the cause of something bad may, in fact, enable him.

Anyway, as I was saying, the rest of the conversation may have been the work of Satan, because I can think of no one, nothing else that could have me doubt my salvation. This has never happened before in my 19 years of being a Christian. There was one time, one excruciating day, that I thought maybe the Bible was false, but if that were the case, then there would be no salvation to have. The reason is this. I don't get excited about big things. I get excited that The Old Republic is coming out, because it should be a fantastic game, but if it won't be, in the grand scheme of things, my disappointment will be minimal. I get excited that I get to go to a Mariner's game. Worst case scenarios: I don't actually get to go, or they lose. Big things, though, have much larger disappointment and hurt potential. For example, I used to be excited, or at least proud, that my parents were together and would never divorced. Ha.

He made the point that any time I've trusted in anyone or anything on earth, I've been disappointed, but God promises to never let us down. That to me sounds like I need to force myself to trust him, so I asked how to do that, and he said you couldn't. Thinking back on it, I think the conversation may have had some contradictions in it, but like I said, I believe I was being lulled. I guess the point is, I think I'm psychologically incapable of hope in something big.

I've always served God because he is God. He's the creator of the universe; great and mighty is he. Whether or not he came to die on a cross to save us and allow us to be with him, he is still worthy of our praise, simply for being God. He's so much more than that, and that's amazing, but all my life, I've served God simply because he deserves it. It's easy for me to recognize, pay tribute, to the notion that he came to save us, especially coming to save everyone else, but if I'm really honest, I don't much care that he came to save me. Obviously there is something wrong with that, and that's something I'll have to work through with God, and quite possibly a therapist. But, because I don't understand that grace, I was shaken into thinking that perhaps I don't believe Jesus rose from the dead to save me. And if that's the case, then I am not saved.

I ran into an issue with the English language several times last evening. There's always been this sort of three tier thing to belief. First, there's knowledge. There's the matter-of-fact, historical, almost quantitative part. I know that 4 squared is 16. I know that kangaroos hop on two legs. I know that the Bible says Jesus came to die for my sin, and if the Bible says it, it must be true. Then there's belief. I believe that the stock market crash of '29 was caused by someone on the roof, and people thinking he was going to commit suicide. I believe that global warming is occurring, and we ought to do something about it. I believe that Jesus came to die for my sin. I believe, without firsthand experience, that it happened. There's no belief in 4 squared being 16 -- it simply is. Then there's this third part. I still haven't nailed it, but the best phrase I can use is to live it out, to live as if it changed my life. I guess I can't figure out how to live with grace, grace I don't understand. There's this battle between legalism and freedom, but that's just the surface to me. There's an underlying, misconfigured, broken, entangled mess.

At any rate, I spent the time after coffee and most of today mulling it over. I got so angry at God that I cursed him. Part of Paul's and my conversation had to do with free will verses predestination. The Bible specifically says that people are predestined to know Christ, and that was Paul's point of view. He also said that if you have that God-given longing to know God, then you're quite clearly one of those predestined folk, and while thinking that I might not be saved, I was angry that I had this longing, and yet God had hidden himself from me my whole life, and so I cursed God. Though I knew it probably wouldn't work, I was trying to elicit a response, to force God to reveal himself, even if that meant trouble for me. Also, I knew it would hurt him, and that's the human response when you're angry at someone. Cursing God is something you really ought not to do. Job, another topic of discussion last night, never cursed God despite losing everything. I cannot justify myself, but I do wonder, if he'd lived his whole life serving God (which he did) and then felt he'd lost God himself, would he have cursed God?

I had a cohesive thought when I sat down to write this, something that tied this all together.

It's great to have scripture that we can test things against. I'm not sure that there was something in particular that would have helped much for yesterday, but tonight it certainly helped. On the way home in the car, I could hear God saying "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I thought back on how Paul got that item, how it appeared a blessing, and then appeared a curse due to his weakness, and now possibly a blessing yet again as long as God is there. In his weakness, his being consumed by an idol, God was made powerful. In my weakness, in my cursing God, I have a slightly better taste of what his grace is and has done for me, and he has inspired me to write this post. A few more scriptures came to mind on the way home, as well, but it's late and I can't recall them now. It just leaves me at peace in the midst of panic and shame, sometimes.

Well, before I go to bed, I'll leave a teaser, or else you might not visit this blog again, and then how I would I make a living? Working at Microsoft barely puts food on the table. For any extravagances, like word choice and sentence structure, I have to think people are reading my blog and have a reason to proofread posts! So, when I next post, you'll likely hear about my time at Hime's camp, the awkward call square ball referee gesture, and probably a bit about a girl named Mangofiki.