It's 3am. I guess now's as good a time as any to start a blog post, a post whose predecessors took an average of four hours apiece. I'm sure this one won't take that long, because I already have it all written out in my head. They say people can only keep track of seven things at once. I've got 3700 words, so beat that with a trout and smoke it.

First off, I think I should write a bit of a disclaimer here. I'm by no means an authoritative voice when it comes to theology. Super Mario RPG, yes, theology, no. What I've written, and will likely keep writing, are just what I'm dealing with, my thoughts in the order the neurons send them to my fingertips. I'm sure that early in most paragraphs, I make a faulty assumption, and then the rest of the paragraph can and should be disregarded entirely. Also, though I always thought I did, I don't enjoy arguing about close to anything, among the least, theology. I like discussing it, but as soon as it crosses some invisible line I can't even define, I get frustrated and no matter how right or wrong you or I may be, I'll basically completely ignore any further statements made. This, of course, is not relevant, as no one has really read my blog except those couple whom I've asked to, and they didn't argue. Still, just a warning. This is the last one you get before I release the hounds. The hounds of silent treatment. Their bite is worse than their bark.

That said, I did have both Bill and my mom read Always Winter, Never Christmas. They had some interesting insight, my mom especially. She pointed out something I knew even as I typed, that my view of God--a general rather than a father--is almost exactly how I view my dad. I don't really know what to make of that, but I suppose as of twenty-seven hours ago, I am free to pick a counselor of my choosing, so perhaps I shall get on that.

One thing I've considered in regards to my free gift paradox is that accepting Christ into your life is a change. The gift itself is a changed life, so how can changing your life be a cost? If I give you a Wii, is it a cost that you now have to own a Wii? When I was quoting Paul, saying that we're being given a gift and a call to die, I was speaking of dying to one's self, so we can live as Christ, live by the spirit. I had hoped that was obvious, but neither Bill nor my mom, smart people each, read it that way.

I did, in fact, get the answer I was looking for when I purchased Birthright per my pastor's suggestion. It was as he said in his email, too, though the book had more explanation. The night I read the answer, I tried to summarize it and post, but words failed me. I'll try again, but I bet I won't get it right, and you should just go buy and read it yourself. Essentially, being "born again" isn't just metaphoric or ceremonial, but literal. Jesus spells it out, but for some reason I thought he was talking somehow abstractly whenever I'd read it. It turns out Nicodemus was smarter than I am. God makes everything new, and when we're born again, we literally have a spirit born in us. I haven't figured out whether our spirit was dead and the Spirit breathed life into it, or if there was nothing there at all, and our spirit is then birthed, but it's one or the other. It's interesting that he uses the word "born" rather than "revived"--or more accurately vivified, as our spirits were never alive in the first place. That leads me to believe that there was nothing there, and then there was, like a baby. However, there are a ton of verses that say things like "while we were dead in our transgressions," which push me the other way. Anyway, this is just half the answer, and it's one or the other, so I'm not worrying about what was there before, and am instead considering what's there now, and why this is significant. It turns out that this spirit is what is eternal, what lives on with God in heaven. At the same time, it is who we truly are. It's what God made us to be, and it's not a clone. I've not studied too much, nor gone much further in the book, but I would assume this spirit, then, has all of our personality, but perfected, and all of our quirks, but without sin. We have a holy spirit that is each of us, when we become born again Christians, a child of the Holy Spirit, a child of God. Somehow this is harder for me to grasp than the Trinity. So, freedom from sin--no longer being slaves to sin--means that we can now live lives that are truly ours; we can be ourselves, but who we are has in fact changed. It is in our heavenly nature to now be sinless, and when we do things that agree with our nature, we're… happier people. More joyful people.

In explaining this, Needham walked through several different scenarios, or rather one scenario played out with different approaches with outwardly the same outcome. He asks us to imagine being tempted to watch something on TV that invokes some sort of lust--sexual, material, what have you--and you resist. In every one but the last one, and I've played all of them out at one point in my life or another, you're left feeling guilty. It's a come from behind victory that you probably couldn't pull off again, and leaves you weakened. It's concave up. We want an oppressive victory, oppressive toward the fallen, sinful nature, a victory where we're on the top looking down, grabbing and smothering evil, rather than trying to stand up under it. In all the first run-throughs, the thought process leads to denying our own sin nature, this nature we have engrained in ourselves. In the last one, we're agreeing with our heavenly nature, and being true to ourselves, which is what makes this a victory. It reminds me of a sermon I heard at Life at the Ridge about a year ago. "We can't say no to something unless we know what we're saying yes to."

While this is a fairly major break through for me, until I've devoted a lot more thought-time to it and really start living it out, I don't think much will improve in my spiritual life. Also, I really need to start having quiet times. I hate that phrase because it's a cliché, but what are you going to do? I need to read my Bible and I need to pray. I was telling my mom, as she and I worked through my last post, that I felt like God was a manager who put instructions on a poster up on the wall, and then skipped town. I know what I'm supposed to do generally, but not specifically, and not like I know what I'm supposed to do at Microsoft under the fairly constant guidance of my Microsoft manager. "I want my weekly one-on-one." My mom quickly responded that I can't meet with God without talking and listening to Him.

I just have such trouble reading the Bible. It's dry and deep, and I never seem to pull out the meaning that I'm supposed to. Maybe it takes practice. I also find myself distracted a verse or two in, thinking about just about anything else. Sometimes, it's a completely different point about God, and I end up on rabbit trails. I don't then know whether that was divine intervention or unholy intervention or neither.

Last Sunday I'd nearly given up. There are some dark thoughts people can think up, and I was thinking up some of the darker ones on Saturday night. Frustration with faith and life can so easily lead to hopelessness and despair. I almost didn't go to church. I'd gone to the Christmas eve service four days before, and the friend that usually goes with me now was busy. I concave-up convinced myself to get in the car, though, and God met me at the service. It was no mere coincidence that the sermon was "The Gospel as Longing." It talked a lot about joy and what it means. It didn't offer the answers I'm seeking, not wholly, but during communion, God met me and gave me the hope to carry on.

I've been procrastinating on getting Microsoft acquainted with Mosaic. Mosaic is Bill's church and the front for our rogue mission trip to Costa Rica. I've got until the 15th of this month to convince them that this is a philanthropic fund, rather than a religious one. Hopefully I can just email MS Give and give them the phone number of the guy at the church and they can iron out the details in an hour or two on a phone call I don't need to hear. Hopefully. Else, we're going to need a bunch more money than we expected. I trust God in this, but I don't trust my procrastinative nature.

It's 2010 now, if you hadn't noticed. Though, perhaps for you it's 2011, you futuristic hoodlum with your year-late-reading ways. That's right, back in 2010 we were silver tongued. Nuance is our weapon of choice. I have a lot to look forward to this year, which is a sentiment you'll seldom find from me. Final Fantasy XIII has been released in Japan and Swood never ceases to throw his bilingual hackery in my face. I have to wait until February, or more likely March when it won't be sold out, to play it, and then in the English lameness. Swood showed me the same clip in Japanese (translating it for me) and in English, and it's just sad. Why don't good English voice actors exist for video games and adult cartoons? They exist for robots in live action films, though admittedly, all the good ones have English accents. Anyway, I'm hoping against hope that they let you switch to Japanese with English subtitles. I've seen at least one game that lets you do this, but I can't remember now, which.

I predict The Old Republic will come out this November, with no actual basis for this release date. I think if it doesn't, by the time it's released, there will be something more exciting on the horizon. It's kind of a law of gaming that you need to get something released within two years of conception, else it'll be outdated before it arrives.

Iron Man 2 comes out in May. The first Iron Man movie is probably my favorite super hero movie yet, so I have high hopes for the next one. Also, while I never really minded the original actor for Rhodey (while some people found him whiney), getting Ocean's Basher to play him shall be great.

Speaking of good movies, I saw Sherlock Holmes the other night. I was grinning basically the whole time. It's so very clever. Somehow, Denna fell asleep when she saw it the night after I did. I don't get that. Maybe it's just a different sense of humor. She said it just never got good. I'll admit it doesn't have the same flow as other action movies, but I don't think it's meant to either. The bickering between Holmes and Watson is great, as is all the dialog, really. I don't know. I don't get her sometimes. She doesn't like Demetri Martin. It never would have worked between us.

Toy Story 3 is coming out. Pixar has yet to fail me, though I never saw A Bug's Life 2, and Ratatouille wasn't my cup of tea. Toy Story 2 was great, arguably as good as the original. During one of the orchestra summer camps, we played a piece written to be played during the short for that film, and we played the actual piece sung by the cowgirl doll about being neglected by her kid. Anyway, yet more high hopes.

The last three in my list are a bit bigger. Windows Mobile 7 is supposed to be released this year. I have high expectations for this, and I'm confident it'll look as nice or nicer than the iPhone and be more functional than either the iPhone or the Droid.

Costa Rica, as already mentioned, is in March. I'm actually a bit anxious and antsy about it. I wasn't this way at all, if I remember right, about Jamaica. Then again, I'm a different person from who I was two years ago. I remember telling Lulu like six days into the trip, that with the way my mind works, that day I'd finally decided I should go on the trip. She didn't get it. Oh well. But yes, I don't know what to make of this trip. I expect it will be good, and I am looking forward to it, but I'm also worrying for some reason. I think I feel a bit more like one of the leaders since I was one of the first to say I'd go on it, but I have really no idea what's going to happen there, nor do I want to be one of the leaders so, yeah.

Last, and least probable, I'm making it a goal to make big steps toward owning a house by this time next year. I don't like paying rent. I don't like having a litter box. And perhaps most of all, I don't like noise complaints. For some reason, they just get me at my core. Yesterday I bought a Wii Fit, both for the fitness aspect, and the unrealistic hope that someday I'll figure out how to program with it. I tinkered with it a bit before going with Swood to Hime's New Year's party. When I got back, I decided to play with it a bit more. I actually had considered the noise, and thought that between the pad itself with its springs, the feet covers on the bottom of the board, and the carpet, that it wouldn't make a whole lot of noise for the people downstairs. I guessed wrong. So, at three in the morning, an angry neighbor knocked on my door. She could have been less rude, but then, I did wake her up at three in the morning. I apologized, but I don't get the feeling she accepted it. So, I guess that's a pre-quiet hours toy, like my violin. I suspect they'll still get angry when I use it, though. I don't know exactly what I should do in this situation. I spent $100 on a new toy, and I have every right to use it during the day, but at the same time, I don't want to make enemies. They do live in an apartment. Noise comes with that. Also, the minigame I was playing involved a lot of swift running in place. I think that most of the stretches and pushups and things won't make much if any noise, so maybe there's the happy medium.

After watching Sherlock Holmes with Swood and Nikkie, and not realizing that it was already 12:30am, I suggested Swood and I hang out, so we drove to his place and watched (500) Days of Summer. They advertised it as a chick flick, but it's an excellent movie. It's got a lot of good dialog like Lucky Number Sleven. The last line in combination with the subsequent facial expression is one of the best things ever. I purchased it tonight, and it should arrive here on Tuesday.

I've been spending a ton of money lately. This is worse than good. I remember I was in the same habit this time last year. I wonder if it's just the time of year. Last year I bought a TV and a vacuum. This year I spent about $200 more on Christmas and then bought myself two Blu-Rays, the two expansions for Dragon Age, Wii Sports Resort, and Wii Fit at a time that money already wasn't that high. As always, I'm by no means hurting for money, and I have a heftyish savings to fall back on, but I'd rather not. Alexander says that most banks have a direct deposit deal where they'll give you 3-5% interest on your checking account, in which case, with a little will power, you just put all your money there and nothing into savings. I'm fairly certain Chase does not have this deal, so it is time to find a new bank.

After the movie, Swood and I stood around and talked of old times. All of two to four years ago. The golden days, some might say. Mostly we tried to remember the names of everyone that lived on our floors. We came close. Also, the next day I was going to Seattle to hang out with Vin, and Swood mentioned that I should park in Tukwila and take the Light Rail into town, thus saving money on parking, but costing an extra hour of travel time. The drive to Seattle is about the same as it is to Tukwila.

I ended up at the meeting fountain about ten minutes late and no one was there. I couldn't imagine that they'd already all met and then left to go off some place, and I couldn't get ahold of Vin on her cell phone. Some ten minutes later, Vin and her friend walked up. They'd been in a minor car accident, and Vin had left her cell phone at her home and had her friend's with her. Go figure. So we stood there a bit longer and some eleven of us showed up in all. I knew about half of them, I think, so I made some new friends. Three were particularly interesting, but not interesting enough to rename yet. Sorry. It's 4:30 and my creativity wanes. One was the guy that walked up with Vin. One was a girl with more spunk than she knows what to do with. She just seems fun loving without being a thrill seeker. Her mom works at Microsoft, so we had a brief conversation about that. She's also, evidently, outgoing enough to make new friends without being forced to talk to them. I don't really know how else to put it. The first guy is kind of shy around new people, but everyone else was talking to other people, so he and I ended up talking. The girl seemed to make a point of knowing everyone in the group. Sometime around six, she and her friend left the group, and the rest of us ate at Red Robin. After that, a couple more departed, and the remaining seven of us went to one of their houses twenty minutes north to play board games and whatnot. The third guy who was interesting was the guy who drove me to the other guy's place, and then afterwards, drove me all the way back to downtown Seattle so I could again ride the train, even though he was headed north. At the guy's place, we did a group-effort crossword puzzle, then played Yahtzee followed by Clue. It's certainly a good memory, that day. It was good to see Vin too, though I'm realizing it'll most likely never be more than friends.

She was telling me she's at a confusing point in her life because four months into the trip, she feels like Philadelphia is home, but then she came back to Seattle, and Philadelphia hardly exists in her mind anymore, but neither does Seattle feel like home. The trip, she says, has changed her a lot more than she expected it would too, and she's trying to figure out who she is. I guess now I'm blogging her life more than mine, but. I don't know. It gives me pause, and it's food for thought. Part of me wonders. Should I not have jumped right into corporate Microsoft? A lot of my friends from Western are going into nonprofits. I don't think I was called to be that person, but I admit it's appealing. I believe Microsoft and my working at Microsoft both will do more good for the world than my working at a nonprofit, but in my mind's eye, nonprofits have an instant gratification that donating vast sums of money and releasing business software just don't have. I think that's probably not true, and like with any job, satisfaction comes over a long period of time, but still.

I'm finding I'm returning to being content while single. For the past several months I have certainly not been. I'm pretty sure the word that best described me was desperate, but I'm not sure if that's entirely fair. But yes, at the moment, while I'd like to have a girlfriend, it's not really my primary focus. I'm realizing again, that what I'm constantly looking for in a girl probably won't be found there, but in God. Also, I used to think that Vin was perfect for me. As far as personality goes, she really is the girl of my dreams, what I always expected would be my perfect match, and yet, hanging out with her doesn't feel like a good fit. She's a great person, and a great friend, but we'd be hopelessly indecisive together. We don't have that flirty banter I had with Fey or Denna, even though she and I share more in common than I did with either of them. I'm starting to think that looking for specific traits and commonalities and whatever else in a person to heuristically decide compatibility is just folly. There's an X factor that you just have to find from hanging out with them over a long while. And perhaps I'll eat these words later, but I don't think any of the girls I currently know are a right one for me. I like one of the lines from (500) Days of Summer. The guy is being interviewed about his girlfriend of like ten years, and he says that the girl of his dreams would probably have a bigger rack and be more into sports, but that his girlfriend is better than the girl of his dreams.

Well, it's now 5am. See? Two hours, not four. Though, it's now definitely tomorrow morning and no longer tonight. I need to sleep.