I'm helping lead a Community Group at church this October, and we'll be going through a book called Can You Hear Me? by Brad Jersak. I'm reading it ahead of time so I can actually lead rather than just follow along.

In the first chapter, he said some things I don't agree with, or at least take with a grain of salt. I'll be the first to admit I'm skeptical of almost anything related to the Holy Spirit. Some people see demons under every rock, and a lot of times, I think they see what they want to believe. They could fairly say I don't see because I don't want to believe.

I don't know why I don't want to believe. It'd be great if I saw miracles every day, and perhaps I do, but I don't recognize them. I've heard some people say "I prayed and sure enough, God got me a parking spot right near the front of the grocery store." Really? That one I don't buy, not unless there were some other circumstances like "He was going to die unless he got his insulin shot from the pharmacy immediately," but I'm guessing in that case, you park in the fire lane in front of the entrance anyway. My point is, I don't want to believe in the frivolous ones. I feel like there are too many things that were going to happen anyway, even things that demons could cause, things that might make us prideful but are "good," that they can't all be miracles.

The scriptures say that every good and perfect thing comes from God. I take issue with that verse, not that it's not right, but that I have a hard time rationalizing it. Every good thing? It almost seems like a copout, like God is just categorically taking credit for every good thing in the world. I know he's entitled, but I don't want him to be. I can't put my words on exactly how that seems unfair to me. I suppose it's a good thing that I don't get to decide what God is entitled to.

Anyway, this is not why I started writing tonight. It's well past midnight and I should be asleep. But I was reading that book, and chapter two, at least at the beginning, is about scripture. Chapter one suggested that often times verses will speak to us, that certain words will pop out of the page or seem highlighted as if God was saying them directly to us. I have vague recollections of this happening, and yet remain skeptical. How can that be? Anyway, I thought I'd put it to the test.

Some more background: recently I've felt everything I just wrote and more. I'm questioning things for the sake of questioning them. I'll forget things I've learned just so I can blame God for my current sense of abandonment. I don't want to understand, because if I do, then I have to take responsibility for my actions. And my actions suck.

I was talking to a friend, or more an acquaintance, a couple nights ago. She's probably the most educated, spiritual, dedicated woman my age that I've met. After a brief discussion on Matthew 8/Mark 5, we jumped into everything I don't understand about God that it seems like everyone else understands, and I therefore blame on God. To be fair, several of them I think a lot of people don't understand and either don't care that they don't understand (it's actually not that important, not a ship-stopper as Microsofties might say), or won't admit that they don't understand. I think that's a rather large issue with the modern church: the fear of saying "I don't know." We come off as hypocritical and holier than thou, rather than authentic as the broken people we are; but that's a post for another night. Most of them, though, were things I'd learned once, things I should have learned or figured out, things that had I been reading my Bible more than twice a month, I might know. She went through and explained every one, at least to the point where I couldn't come up with any more questions. I began to feel cornered a couple times and switched topics to another of God's many inadequacies.

About a month ago, while at camp, I started reading Hebrews--a good of place to start as any since the last time I chose an arbitrary place to start. I got through chapter three that week. Then a few nights ago I read chapter four.

Tonight I decided to put God's highlighting, word-popperouting bit to the test. I figured I'd just continue in Hebrews 5. It seems like if I chose some place at random, God's hand might be involved and I didn't want that for this test. Here's the text (skimming is allowed):

Every high priest is a man chosen to represent other people in their dealings with God. He presents their gifts to God and offers sacrifices for their sins. And he is able to deal gently with ignorant and wayward people because he himself is subject to the same weaknesses. That is why he must offer sacrifices for his own sins as well as theirs.

And no one can become a high priest simply because he wants such an honor. He must be called by God for this work, just as Aaron was. That is why Christ did not honor himself by assuming he could become High Priest. No, he was chosen by God, who said to him, “You are my Son. Today I have become your Father.”

And in another passage God said to him, “You are a priest forever in the order of Melchizedek.”

While Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could rescue him from death. And God heard his prayers because of his deep reverence for God. Even though Jesus was God’s Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered. In this way, God qualified him as a perfect High Priest, and he became the source of eternal salvation for all those who obey him. And God designated him to be a High Priest in the order of Melchizedek.

There is much more we would like to say about this, but it is difficult to explain, especially since you are spiritually dull and don’t seem to listen. You have been believers so long now that you ought to be teaching others. Instead, you need someone to teach you again the basic things about God’s word. You are like babies who need milk and cannot eat solid food. For someone who lives on milk is still an infant and doesn’t know how to do what is right. Solid food is for those who are mature, who through training have the skill to recognize the difference between right and wrong.

Really God? Really?

As I wrote this, I realized talking with that friend was also God talking to me, batting down any excuse.

I know what comes next, but I'm not good at humbling myself. I don't know what I think will happen if I don't. It's like there's this stupid, shortsighted, vain little devil inside of me who won't give up. I think it would be better if God crushed me utterly, than allowed me to continue on this ho-hum venture of luke warm failure and ignorance. Free choice is a bitch.

Anyway, now I will pray, but I know it will not be whole-hearted because God does not own all of my heart as he should.