I really feel like writing (hence the post), but I seriously have nothing to write about. This has happened before, and I usually end up writing quite a lot, and it's usually fairly good, yet I'm apprehensive about this. So I guess I'll see if this gets posted, and if you're reading it, then I guess it did. Unless, I decide to have someone else read it before I post and you're that person, and then they say, "This is crap," and you never get to read it. I'd say "But I digress," but I'm seriously considering making this the primary focus of this post.

I've been having really vivid dreams lately, though I don't remember much of them in the mornings. The vivid dreams part has happened before, but the not remembering at least most of one is new. If there's a purpose to the dreams, not being able to remember them kind of defeats it. The latest one of which I still remember bits and pieces included Hime and a high school rival of hers fighting over something, but then joining forces when a pig on a motorcycle showed up singing a show tune about being the real measure of a man -- a Persian man -- riding straight up a large totem pole and breaking off all the decorative limbs. That would actually seem pretty normal to me except that the vivid portion was the entire song he sang, and how it was actually as decent as any other garden variety show tune, and yet has never been written. Something similar (in my mind) happened when I dreamt that my pastor was talking about his sermon series and how a lot of what he was talking about was covered in such-and-such books (including Mere Christianity which I'm currently reading) but the "such-and-such" were actual titles and authors that sounded right. Of course now I can't remember the titles to find out if they existed and thus I divined them. I doubt it. I don't know which would be crazier -- that they actually exist, or that I pulled book titles out of thin air while dreaming. I don't think I could even do that while awake.

Is it still epiphany if someone teaches you the thought that came? Is epiphany the part where everything clicks together, hits home, or is it the spontaneous, "So that's why cats sniff fingers!"? Anyhow, every week at church something new makes sense. Romans 8:1 stuck out to me tonight. "Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ." For whatever reason I always took this to mean when we died, or from God's perspective while we're still on earth. That's not what it says though. It says there is no condemnation period. Not from other people, and not from ourselves. All we need do is confess our sins. I think a lot of people don't confess, or put off confessing, for fear of condemnation, but if there is none, what is there to stop us? And if there is nothing stopping us, then "He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." What's great about that verse (1 John 1:9) is the word cleanse. It's not just forgiveness, not just -- there really is no other word as deep as forgive -- but to clean, purify, makes us new. Anyway, I found tonight's sermon practical and eye-opening. One thing he mentioned is that people in Christ are quick to confess and slow to justify. I frequently find myself imagining being pulled over because I'm speeding or whatever, and rather than just telling the officer, "Yeah, I was wrong," I end up on this logical tirade about the spirit of the law and how it was actually better that I was doing whatever it was that I was doing.

The last few nights I've been pinging random friends on facebook that I haven't talked to in a while if ever. It's got me thinking about all the friends I don't still talk to, and even the ones I now only talk to over the internet. It got me kind of depressed, because I have a lot of friends that I care dearly about, but will probably never see again. That's a sobering thought. And then it suddenly struck me that I'll see them in heaven. I don't know in what capacity, but sometimes it doesn't even matter if I'm talking to them, and just being around them would be nice. Proximity is an interesting thing.

I'm leaving for Costa Rica on Friday. It's so weird to me that it's happening this week, and is no longer a while into the future. I think the oddest part is that it actually happened. This wasn't organized by an organization that does these regularly or anything. This was a couple guys being asked by another guy to organize a trip of twenty or so people to come do some work for an orphanage, and five months later, here we are. The whole work situation around the trip (mostly just taking vacation) has got me thinking about last summer with the summer camp, and whether or not I want to do it again this summer. The few I've talked to are strongly in favor of it. First I'm not sure I have enough vacation. I probably do. I should have had about four and a half weeks by then had I not gone on the mission trip, and the mission trip is only 9 days, so I should still have three weeks left. Yeah, there's nothing stopping me there. I guess I'm just feeling non-committal right now. Also Hime has a job at a bank now, so she won't be there, not that she's the sole reason for me to go. I wonder how she'd react if I did go again, while she couldn't.

I've been thinking lately about my future children, sometimes a son, sometimes a daughter, depending on the instance. Wondering what it would be like if my son ever asked how many girlfriends I had before "Mommy." Would I go into all the details of each relationship, Ted Mosby style? I can't imagine answering a flat seven or whatever the number would be by then. I suddenly feel weird. I'm going to stop writing now.